


I wasn't expecting that

by ohyouwatchusrun



Category: Alex Kingston/Matt Smith - Fandom, Mattex - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Major Illness, Mentions of Cancer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 02:51:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5895208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohyouwatchusrun/pseuds/ohyouwatchusrun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"They were supposed to spend their lives together. "</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wasn't expecting that

October 2009

The first time he meets her, it’s at the table read and he just knows that he’s going to fall in love with her. If he’s honest he’s confused how anyone could not fall in love with her. But it’s not until she’s launched on top of him, head resting on his chest and laughing the most glorious laugh that he realises how screwed he actually is.

“We’re going to be great together darling, I can see it already.” she purrs as she shuffles off of him, placing a hand on his chest and smiling brightly. 

And he’s never hoped for anything more in his life.

 

December 31st 2010

They’re dancing together so closely and her heart beats rapidly in her chest. She rests her head on his chest and smiles when she hears the frantic rhythm. 

When she looks up at him he’s so close that their noses almost brush and he continues to lean in closer. 

“Can I kiss you?” he breathes and hears her sharp intake of breath before she replies. 

“You better.”

 

January 2011

“Favourite writer?” she asks placing a kiss on his chest, where his heart beats loudly in a rhythm that calms her.

“Ernest Hemingway” he answers quickly, not even taking time to think. 

“Person you admire most?” he speaks, running his hands along her back. 

“Can it be two people?” She asks smiling up at him, “I admire my parents more than anyone. They had a hard time of it sometimes but they always got through and pulled me and my sisters through too. There are so many things I am grateful to them for I could go on forever.” 

Her eyes get this certain twinkle to them that she always has when she talks about someone she cares about and he remembers the exact moment he saw it when she was talking about him and his heart swells. At that moment he can do nothing else but lean down and place his lips over hers. He can feel her lips twitch in to a smile and hopes that she’s as happy as he is. 

“What’s your favourite colour?” she asks, stretching and making a noise that makes his mouth go dry and he wants to reach out and drag her towards him and never let her go. Instead he looks down at her and smiles. 

“The colour of your eyes,” he says with a smug grin and she whacks him on the chest rolling her eyes. “What? It’s true!” he laughs settling further into the pillows beneath his head.

“My turn” he says running his fingers through her curls. “Biggest fear?” he asks smiling down at her.

Alex is slightly taken aback, she doesn’t really know why, she’s just always hated talking about her fears to people. They make her feel vulnerable. Biting on her bottom lip, she looked up at Matt to see him smiling lightly down at her.

“You can tell me, Lex” he says placing a hand on her cheek and running his thumb over her bottom lip to stop her biting at it. “You don’t have to” he adds, “but you can.”

“It’s stupid really” she laughs, feeling ridiculous about her child like fear. 

“It’s not stupid if it scares you.” He says running a hand along her arm, “ and hey, I’m scared of clowns, and I half look like a clown so there’s stupid!” he says pouting a little and she can’t help but lean up and kiss the pout straight from his face. 

“Thunder storms.” She says as she breaks away from the kiss to look down at him. “I’m scared of thunder and lightning.” 

Matt’s eyes soften and he places a light kiss to her nose watching as she begins to smile at him. “That’s not stupid” he breathes. “But you don’t need to be scared anymore.” He says pulling her closer as she tucks herself around him, placing her head on his chest once again. “I’m here now and I will always hold you through the storms.” He whispers, placing a kiss to her temple. He doesn’t know when he became such a sap, he has a small feeling it’s the day he met Alex.

Alex yawns, closing her eyes to let sleep claim her, “That’d be nice” she says, before drifting off into a peaceful sleep, wrapped around Matt the way she has wanted to be for months. 

“I’ll look after you.” Matt promises. He knows that she doesn’t need it, she is perfectly capable of looking after herself, but he doesn’t want that for her. He wants to be there for her always, and he vows that from now on, he will be. Whenever she needs him he will be there. When he falls into a peaceful sleep, his dreams are full of hope and the future, and of Alex. 

 

November 2011

“Alex?” Matt calls as he walks into the flat they now share - when they’re on the same continent anyway.

“Sweetheart, I’m home” he called out walking through to their bedroom, where he knew she’d be hiding. And sure enough, with the sheets over her head Alex lay in the middle of their bed, clutching at his pillow.

Quickly riding himself of his shoes and clothes, Matt walks over to the bed and climbs under the duvet. As soon as he slips between the sheets, Alex abandons the pillow and clings to him instead, burying her face in the crook of his neck, shivering lightly. “Hey,” he whispers, shushing her lightly, “its okay, I’m here, you’re okay.” 

Alex hated needing people. It made her feel so weak and vulnerable but with Matt is was different. He constantly reminded her how strong she was, and never made her feel inadequate or stupid because of her fears. He would just hold her until the shaking stopped and the storm was over.

“I’m so glad you’re home” she breathes, shaking a little less as Matt runs light hands along her naked back. A loud roar of thunder shakes the building, and Alex jumps, clinging to Matt even tighter. 

Lifting her face from his shoulder, Matt places a hand either side of her face and leans down, kissing her with all the love and adoration he feels for her. “Me too.” He breathes as he begins to place kisses along her jaw and down her neck before moving slowly down her torso. Alex visibly relaxes, running her hands through Matt’s hair as her shaking subsides and she lets out a moan as he gets to where she wants him most. She doesn’t even notice the crash of thunder and bright flash of lighting that occur just outside the window.

Soon enough, all thoughts of the storm have vanished as they move together in a steady rhythm, whispering sweet nothings and words of love into one and others skin. Matt looks down at her, and his breath catches in his throat at how beautiful she is. “I am so, unbelievably in love with you” he whispers, and it’s her undoing. She comes, crying his name, nails digging into the skin of his back. It doesn’t take him long after that, watching her come undone is like his trigger and he comes shouting her name, muffled into the crook of her neck, before collapsing on top of her. 

It’s one of her favourite moments, when they’re both spent and he puts all his weight on her and she can barely breathe, but she loves it. It’s the closest they could possibly get and sometimes it still isn’t enough. Sometimes she wants to crawl inside his skin and stay with him forever. She loves him with everything she has.

“I’m in love with you too, by the way.” She breathes into his ear as his breathing slows. “Just as unbelievably.” 

Pushing himself off of her and rolling to his side, he pulls her into him, smiling brightly and placing a kiss to her temple. 

“The storms over,” he says stroking lazy patters across her sweat slicked skin. 

“What storm” she says smiling, nuzzling in closer to him and placing a hand over his heart. 

 

September 2012

They’re laying together on the floor of their living room watching a film while the rain thrashes on the window when he asks her. He’s not even paying any attention to the film they’re watching because all he can think about is how much he wants to marry the woman lying beside him. He’d thought about it for so long, but never knew when the right time would be, but he realises; whenever they’re together it is right, so he asks her.

“Marry me.” He says quietly into the skin of her neck 

Alex turns quickly to look at him fully, eyes wide and mouth slightly ajar. She thinks maybe she had heard wrong, and it was her mind playing tricks on her. “Matt…” she breathes, face almost touching his. 

“Marry me,” he says it louder this time sitting up and pulling her with him so that she’s straddling his legs. 

He can’t read the expression on her face as she bites lightly at her bottom lip so he carries on. “Before you say anything, just hear me out okay?” he says smiling lightly and placing a hand either side of her face, placing a light kiss to her lips before continuing. 

“I know that you’re scared okay? Of things not working out but you have to understand that I love you, God Lex, beyond everything else, you are my world. I want your face to be the first thing I see when I wake up, for the rest of my life. You make me glad to be alive Alex. And don’t get me wrong, there are days when you frustrate me and drive me crazy; and I know there are days where I am insufferable and days where I make you angry, but then you just look at me a certain way and we smile at each other and everything else fades away. You look at me and I just love you and I know that will never go away.” His heart is beating faster than ever before as he tucks a curl behind her ear, he knows that he’s rambling but he just can’t seem to shut himself up.

“You make me the best version of me, I can’t imagine my life without you and – my God I am just so insanely in love with you. You’re my soul mate, and you’re my best friend. 

Will you marry me Alex? Because I just can’t imagine a time when I won’t love you or need you. I want to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you make me.”

With tears in her eyes, Alex reaches out and cradles his face in her hands, suddenly smiling brightly at him. “Darling,” she whispers, a tear escaping down her cheek. “I love you, so incredibly that sometimes I think my heart might actually explode with what I feel for you. I am already that happy.” she breathes placing a delicate kiss to his lips, before pulling back, looking him straight in the eye and speaking as if stating the obvious, “of course I’ll marry you.” 

Smiling wider than he ever has before, Matt lunges forward, his mouth crashing against hers in a kiss that blocks everything around them out, because she said yes. And there is no one in the world he would rather spend the rest of his life with than her. 

They only break apart when the need for oxygen becomes too much. He looks at her, wiping the tears from her face as she does him. Neither of them can stop smiling and Matt begins to place kisses anywhere on her body that he can reach. “I love you so much” he says holding her close to him, “I would follow you across the universe, you know that right?” 

“And I’d follow you darling, always. But for now, just follow me to bed” she says smirking at him and placing a kiss to the apple of his throat “fiancé” she whispers, before he hauls her up and carries her into their bedroom, where their night is spent between sheets with muffled moans and whispers of forever.

 

June 2013

She lay in bed the night before and she just can’t sleep, and she assumed that she wouldn’t be able to sleep because of nerves but that wasn’t it at all. She couldn’t sleep because he wasn’t next to her and she hated that they decided to go along with the stupid rule that they couldn’t be together before the day of the wedding. Although in all fairness it wasn’t really a choice. Karen and Nicola had insisted that they stay with Alex and Salome and sent Matt off to stay with Arthur and of course they would not argue with Karen, they all knew that that would be a bad idea. And arguing with Nicola might actually be worse. While she loves how close her sister has become with their friends, she dreads the times when Karen and Nicola are together because alone they are both a force to be reckoned with but together, it is something else.

Rolling over and pulling the duvet with her she tries once again to close her eyes and fall asleep. Sleep does not find her. She’s about to get out of bed and make herself a hot chocolate, or perhaps something a little stronger when she hears something hit the bedroom window. The first time she assumes it’s some sort of winged animal so goes to put her dressing gown on, but the noise continues. Tying her dressing gown she goes over to the window and pulls the curtain open to look down in to the front garden, only to see Matt beaming up at her. Shaking her head with a ridiculous smile on her face she opens the window and smiles down at him. 

“What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night so stumblest on my counsel?” she says in a serious tone and he laughs up at her. Her grin turns in to a bright smile at the sound. She’s not been away from him 24 hours and she already missed him. 

Kneeling on to one knee he stretches his arm in her direction as if trying to reach the two story bedroom from the garden. “My Juliet” he whispers and she throws her head back laughing at this ridiculous man. Her Matt. 

“What are you doing throwing stones at the window you silly man?” she asks leaning further out the window. “In case you’ve forgotten darling, this is your home.” 

Matts face turns serious and his eyes widen. 

“Did you think I would risk Karen or god forbid Nicola being awake and catching me sneaking in to our bedroom? They’d have my head.”  
She smiles at him lovingly, shaking her head “Wait there.” 

She closes the window and quietly opens the bedroom door, walking down the stairs quietly ensuring she doesn’t wake anyone in the process. When she opens the front door he doesn’t give her a chance to speak, pulling her in to him and kissing her passionately. She opens her mouth willingly clinging to the collar of his jean jacket. 

Pulling away he smiles down at her, placing small kisses to her nose and forehead. 

“I missed you” he whispers as he places kisses along her neck. 

Alex pulls back placing her hand to his cheek, 

“You haven’t had time to miss me darling, it’s barely been 12 hours since we last saw each other.” She states, as if she hadn’t been pining for him to be back in their bed with her just ten minutes previously. 

Pouting he shakes his head tucking a stray curl behind her ear.

“Not true” he states continuing to pout like a three year old who had all their Halloween candy taken away from them. “I missed you the minute those wenches pushed me out of my own front door!” She laughs at that grabbing his hand and pulling him in to the house and quietly up the stairs to their bedroom.

“Besides,” he whispers once they’re in their room, pulling her arm so she’s facing him and tugging at the knot in her dressing gown and pushing it from her shoulders revelling in the way her breath hitches and her eyes sparkle. “My sleep is terrible without you. Also we’re getting married tomorrow and I’m so excited, but the only person I wanted to talk to about how excited I am, is you.” 

Beaming at the thought she pulls him in by the collar of his jacket before pushing it from his shoulders and lifting his shirt over his head. “I missed you too.” She admits placing a soft kiss to his collar bone and nipping at his neck as his hands trace over her stomach and she gasps. “Truth be told, I can’t sleep when you’re not here.” He smirks like he’s please about that as he picks her up and carries her to their bed, laying her down and hovering over her he places butterfly kisses down the smooth plain of her stomach. 

Breathing out a happy sigh she rakes her hands through his hair feeling so content. “I can’t wait to marry you.” She breathes and he looks up beaming from ear to ear at her and she falls a little more in love with him for it. 

“Likewise sweetheart” he says, before disappearing between her legs. She throws her head back, completely forgetting the need to be quiet. 

When they wake tangled together on the morning of their wedding, the telling off they’ll be on the receiving end of is totally worth it. 

 

December 2015

She sits in the consulting room waiting for what seems like hours. All she can think about is Salome, what if it’s serious. She’s so young and she’s only just starting out. Alex needs to see her grow and fall in love with the world. She needs to be there to comfort her in heartbreak. She thinks about all the things she might miss and tears fill her eyes and she feels like she can’t breathe. 

Placing a shaking hand to her mouth to stop a sob escaping she takes deep breaths and calms herself down. She could be worrying for nothing of course, there are so many possible outcomes and she’s sure everything will work out just fine. 

She wishes for Matt, he is always so positive and she needs that right now but she thought if she told him of her concerns he’d be so panicked and wouldn’t leave her side so she hid it. It’s the first time she’s ever hidden anything from him and she feels awful but she didn’t want to worry him if there could be no reason to worry at all. 

The thought of Matt makes her smile despite her situation. She thinks of how despite her age, her life really began when she met Matt. Other than memories of Salome and her family, she only really cares about her memories with Matt, everyone else before him were simply blips in her path to him. They were supposed to spend their lives together, long, happy lives. She never really considered the fact that that may not be a possibility. 

When to doctor enters the room, the look on his face says more than she’d like. She tries to listen to what he says but all she really hears is the word “Cancer.” 

They were supposed to spend their lives together. 

 

January 2016

She doesn’t tell anyone. Not even Matt. She’s not really sure what she would say and it just feels like such a massive burden. Matt’s in his thirties and this is just not something he should have to deal with. Age was never really an issue because they loved each other enough that it hadn’t mattered, they loved each other and it was enough.

Thinking back on it now she feels stupid because how could she do this to him. She couldn’t put him through something like this, she loved him too much to do that.

So she picks fights with him, all the time and he never really fights back which just frustrates her more because she’s being totally unreasonable. He brings her flowers and asks her what’s wrong, it breaks her heart but she will not be his burden. 

She decides she has to leave. For him, so that he can move on, find someone else and love again. He is so young and has so much time, she refuses to make him spend that with her when she doesn’t know how long she will be around. She loves him too much to be so selfish so she does what she thinks is best, even if it shatters her heart to do it.

 

-

The biggest storm to hit the UK in 37 years hits, the night she leaves.

“I just can’t do it anymore Matt” she cries, throwing items of clothing into a bag as he tries to calm her down. “Do you think I don’t see it in your eyes? That you blame me, because I can. And I’m sorry but I can’t sit here and watch you look at me like that any longer. I wish I could give you more but I can’t.” 

He doesn’t know what to say. Frozen in place and unable to get to her he is stuck for words. Two and a half years they had been married and it wasn’t easy all the time; he knew how important having another child was to her so they tried, and when it didn’t work out, more than once, he tried to console her. He thinks that’s what this must be about and it seems that no matter how hard Matt tried to tell her she was all he needed, she refused to believe it. He could never look at her with anything but utter love, and he will never blame her. He wants to beat the shit out of the people that made her feel like everything was her fault and he wishes she would realise that to him, none of it matters. To him, she is everything he ever dreamed of. There was a time when he was sure she knew.

She’s been acting strange lately and he doesn’t understand it, it’s like she’s been trying to argue with him and tonight when he had asked for the nth time what was wrong she started packing. As he watches her pack bags full of her clothes, he finally finds the ability to walk over to her, grabbing her hands and stilling them. “Lex, sweetheart stop.” He breathes holding her arms tightly, he expects her to fight his grasp but she just slumps in to him, letting out a small whimper. “Shh,” he breathes stroking fingers through her hair “I’ve got you, you’re okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” 

Shaking her head lightly, still clinging to him like he is her only life line left she lets herself cry, but not for long. She doesn’t want to hurt him, never does she want to do that but she thinks him being with her is going to hurt him more than her leaving now, surely it would. When they started out she thought they could be together forever and it’s only now that the age gap is a problem. How can she expect him to stay and look after her? She knows that if she told him he would put his whole life on hold and throw everything away and it’s not what she wants for him. She thought that the adoption falling through would break them but it made them so much stronger. She never considered it could be something else entirely. 

Pulling back from him she shakes her head, and walks over to continue packing her bags. She doesn’t look up at him because if she looks up and he’s crying then she won’t know how to not go to him. Instead she takes deep breaths before speaking. “I love you.” She breathes wiping the tears from her eyes and willing herself to be strong for him. Hoping to make him understand she is doing this for him. “I really do love you but I cannot do this to you darling. The more I think about it the more I realise that I have ruined your life. I have to leave but don’t think for one minute that it’s because of you. I’m leaving for you” she says with strength she doesn’t actually possess.

“No!” he says sternly, looking on incredulously as she continues to pack all her clothes, and suddenly this all becomes so real. She’s going to leave him and he can’t understand. He doesn’t know what to say or what to do to stop this, so he tries his best, praying that it’s enough.

“Alex please,” He begs, running a hand through his hair and silently begging her to listen to him. “You can’t- you just can’t leave okay, because I know you think that you going away and leaving me is going to be better for me, but you- you’re my person Alex. We’re supposed to be together, always, from the very moment I met you, I knew it was supposed to be us. You are my fucking person and I will not let this go. You’re the person I’m supposed to spend my life with. So you can’t leave, I won’t let you.” 

She’s tries to distance herself from him by moving to the other side of their room. Walking around to where she’s standing, he places his hands either side of her face and wipes more tears from under her eyes with his thumbs. “You’re my person” he breathes. 

Alex nods, slowly stepping away from him and placing a hand to his chest. He couldn’t un-see the sadness in her eyes at that moment, no matter how much he tried. “You are the only person who has ever looked at me like I am the only thing in this world that matters. Like I am everything.” She says, voice filled with sadness and tears and he’s confused because why does that scare her? 

“That’s because you are – Alex, you are my world. I will never love anyone the way I love you. And I don’t think you understand it but I can’t breathe when you’re not here.”

“No but Matt, that’s the thing, you look at me like I’m the answer to the question of the universe but I’m nowhere close. I can’t give you everything in the universe that you should have. So I have to - I have to let you go because you deserve more. You’ll find a new person darling. Please.”

He’s crying now, constant tears streaming down his face because she just won’t listen to him and he doesn’t know what he can do or say to make her stay, but he cannot let her go. Grabbing her by the arm and forcing her to look him in the eye he tries to convey how wrong she is. “No, Alex, no. You just - you do not get to decide what I deserve, you do not get to say you are doing this for me! You do not get to tell me how much I love you. I would leave the entire world behind for you. Everything I love and care about, all of that, it means nothing if you aren’t here! I know it sounds low and pathetic but it’s hard for me to exist without you Alex. You are my world. I wouldn’t know how to exist if you weren’t here. So you can’t leave me.” He takes a deep breath trying to control his emotions at the same time as trying to convey to her exactly what she means to him. He thought she already knew. 

“You know, sometimes, when you have to go to work before me and you leave before I wake up, when I do wake up and you’re not next to me I can’t function properly for the rest of that day. I can’t function properly if I haven’t seen your face in the morning or if you haven’t said goodbye, and I know that’s pathetic but that’s what I am without you. So how do you expect me to function if you leave?” 

“Darling” she breathes, reaching out to wipe the tears from his cheeks. “I am saying goodbye.” 

And it’s then that he realises she has closed the zip to her suitcase and places a hand on the handle ready to walk out like it’s nothing, and he can’t breathe. He can’t form words, or move. In that moment he feels like the life has been sucked out of him; he feels like he’ll never be able to breathe properly again because she actually wants to leave. 

He tries to beg, tries to say anything but all that comes out is a loud sob as she pulls him in to her. “Never forget that I love you beyond everything” she breathes in to his ear. “I just want you to have better than this. And this is the only way I can let you have that. I love you darling.” She hopes he heard her because she can hardly talk through the tears. But he has to know. And with that, she places a lingering kiss to his lips, as he clings to her, tears spilling down both their faces. 

Before he even has time to blink she’s gone and he stands there, in shock because none of it makes sense. He doesn’t understand how she is gone just like that and he can’t call out for her because his breath it caught in his throat. He wants to scream but he just falls to the floor of their bedroom and cries. 

She gets into her car and she can’t breathe. She starts to second guess herself. Thinks that maybe she’s wrong and it isn’t best for him if she leaves. But she knows that it’s just her mind trying to make up reasons to stay. Not that she doesn’t have enough. He’s there and that’s a reason to stay, the love of her life is there. She tries to take deep breaths, she hopes that one day he’ll know that she left for his own good. No matter how much it hurts, she knows that it would hurt him more if she stayed, it would kill him to watch her become sicker and sicker. She doesn’t want him to have to deal with being a widow when his life is just starting so she leaves and gives him the chance to start again. She puts the key in, starts the engine and drives away, tears streaming down her face as she thinks about what she’s left behind. 

Neither of them notice the storm that’s been going on outside their windows the whole time. And when Matt puts the tele on that night so he doesn’t feel quite as alone as he lays in bed clutching her pillow; he hears of how the worst storm in 37 years had hit that night. And he thinks they have no idea.

**Author's Note:**

> I have read and reread this so many times but there are bound to be mistakes so I am sorry for any you find! 
> 
> Chapter 1 of 2. I will look to update as soon as possible but it may take a while as everything is a little hectic at the moment! I hope you enjoy and it's not too upsetting. It won't all be sad! Kudos and comments are much appreciated my lovelys. 
> 
> Work and chapter titles from Jamie Lawson song 'I wasn't expecting that'


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